I’ve written before about the discrepancy of what I see in me and what others see. I actually think it’s popped up in various ways in more than a few posts, but here I am again, feeling much different than what others see. Is this me putting on a mask or trying to appear as someone I’m not? Is what I feel only imaginary? Or do I just not know how to show it? Am I just the type that holds it all in, not knowing who to let see the real me? But I don’t think I’ve ever been the one to try to change who I am or limit what people see in order to gain their approval. I have definitely felt outcast before, that others thought I was too weird for them, but that didn’t change how I acted or who I tried to be.
But here I am feeling ‘in every sense of the word’ like a contradiction to just about everything I’ve preached. I have for so long talked about contentment in singleness, in finding purpose and life without a spouse or even a significant other. I know in my head that everything I’ve said and believed is true. God completes me, not human relationships. A boyfriend, no matter how awesome, is not my goal in life. My life does not begin when I get married. It begins right now in this moment, in each moment. God has a purpose for me in each moment, day, year, and it is not dependent on my relationship status.
I know all of this, but why is it so hard to convince my heart of this? Why do I still find myself longing for someone to call just because he cares? Why do I dream of the day when someone will call me his love and little ones call me Mama, which is not followed by an embarrassed smile and then “I mean, Ms. Anna.”
After several Bible studies, which many touch or focus on insecurities, I think I have traced a lot of this back to fear. The fear of being alone. Reasonable, to some extent. I think many feel this, some to the point of making rash decisions, chasing after relationships, a need to always have a boyfriend whether they are good relationships or not. But as a Christian, I feel like I shouldn’t be struggling with this over and over again.
“Immanuel” means God with us. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, God has made a home within my heart. God is always with me. I am never alone. Yet, I still long for human companionship. I am close with my family and have good friends that I do feel like I can share anything with, but I still crave something more.
My thoughts direct me to Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. I still haven’t read the actual book, but have read the 60 Day devotional several times. Made to crave. We were made to crave. The actual feeling of ‘cravings’ are not wrong or sinful. God put it there. He created us with an emptiness that needs to be filled. But what do we seek to fill that emptiness with? Only one thing will fill it. God, Himself. Nothing else comes close to filling every crevice in our souls.
In my journey to a healthy weight, I’ve read so many things about controlling appetite and what I actually eat. One thing that I’ve learned is often your stomach/brain is confused on what you actually need. It was something I read that said when you think you feel hungry, you’re often really thirsty, and instead of grabbing a snack you should try drinking a glass of water first.
So my new revelation. I feel like I’m craving/needing/wanting a boyfriend/husband/marriage, but what my soul is truly longing for is a confidant, a friend closer than all others, someone who loves me unconditionally and shows his love to me on a daily basis. My head/heart gets confused and think that a boyfriend/husband is what will meet that need and be those things for me, but there is only One that can always do those things and never let me down. And He gave His life on the cross in order to that for me.
Wow, that ended way different than where I thought this post was going, but doesn’t that just show how amazing God is!? That even in my ramblings He meets my needs.